I think I can now make the official announcement. I am no longer a player. Truth is I haven’t been a player for a long time now. The last 18 months have been so horrible I have just been unable to handle the game, so I have played less and less, until now I cannot even call myself a part time player any more.

Part of the problem comes from being unable to win a 50-50 or 70-30 all in when it really counts. Close to the money that is. Whenever it seems to be a big pot or a chance to knock a player out, take his stack, and go to the final table with a big stack. I cannot win. I have to admit it has affected my game.

Same thing happened tonight that has been happening to me for 18 months now. I stay in the game by somehow grinding away and keeping a playable stack. I get some chips. We get down to a few players, and finally my chips go all in as 50-50 or 70-30 favourite and I lose, when I just needed to win to make the final table. My chips very rarely go into the centre. When they do, 90 per cent of the time I am favourite. Now I will admit I am not the greatest player in the world, so that means I have to rely on luck more than the better players, I admit that. Still, I am not that bad. I have made final tables this year and somehow managed to keep afloat. I have managed to break even on the year so far, but it feels like a big loss the way things are. I am totally and utterly dispirited. I am not talking about internet here. I am talking about live. Internet just isn’t poker in my book. The bad run I am talking about probably consists of enough unlikely losses to just account for one half afternoon of play on the internet. It’s just a lot of the all in losses I have suffered have really hurt. It’s difficult to describe how it feels to get so close time after time, and then lose a 50-50 or 70-30. Now if I were a better player I would have built up enough of a stack to take a bad beat or so. I know that. It just sickens me to continually go out of a tourney, close to the money, or just in the money, the one time my chips go in the centre.

The following tournament was £31 entry plus £5 fee and starting stack of 9500. 41 entries. Two 30 minute blinds of 25/50 and 50/100 after which blinds went up every 22 minutes.

I received one playable hand in the first hour and a half. I have QQ under the gun and raise the 50/100 blind to 500. I get 4 callers. A short stack calls in middle and this makes everyone decide they now have pot odds, including the BB who is next to me and an experienced player. The flop comes 5 7 9 all clubs. Oh great, an internet flop. The BB bets 1200 and I think for a short while but am done. I do have the queen of clubs, but the BB could have the ace of clubs. More likely he is all over that flop. I have played with him for 10 years and know he is not betting into a field of 4 other players without a very good hand. Everyone folds. He turns over pocket 5’s.

I won one hand in 2 hours. I had a BB special when I hit two pair with a 6-4. I got called on the flop with my 600 bet and there was a fold when I followed up on 4th with 2000. I was going all the way with the hand no matter what.

Blinds are 300/600. I pick up AJ on the button. I probably overbet with 2000 from my 8000 stack but i want to make it clear I have a hand. The young player next to me reraises me about the same amount. “Looks like a massive hand,” I said. I fold. He is about to muck but his cards hit my hand as I am shifting the deck. He has pocket queens. “Nice fold,” are the comments.

I am close to desperation with barely 10 times the BB. No time for poker, just one move. I have QK in late and move all in. No callers. That buys me an extra round. I am willing to fall to less times the BB than most. I am willing to get as low as 5 times the BB before I get really desperate.

400/800. A useful young player raises to 3000 from early. I have 77 in middle and I hate 50-50’s but I have no alternative. I reraise all in for just over 4000 more. Very surprisingly the young player folds and turns over AJ. Later this same young player moves all in from early and turns over T5. He says he likes to confuse and get people going. Mission accomplished.

500/1000. The same young player raises from early to 3000. I am all in with AT for 7000 more. He calls this time and turns over A4. There then follows an internet flop. It comes 5 6 7 8. I kid you not. The first three cards were not in the order of exactly 5 6 7 but there was an 8 on 4th. Then I hit a miracle card on the river – 9. I don’t know why I should feel so lucky but I do. Why can’t anything just be easy and stress free for once? I told him if he hadn’t flashed the T5 all in early I may well have passed the AT as I had him down as a player with a really good image. This is what happens when you flaunt it.

600/1200. I have kings in early. I raise to 4000. I really don’t want much action. I do not want 2 callers. If I had picked them up in later I would maybe have raised less. I take down the pot with no resistance, but that is okay. Next hand would you believe KK. This time I am under the gun. I just move all in for 16,000. This raises a few eyebrows. No one calls. Fine.

I am in the small blind with A5 and it is folded around to me. The BB is the young player who had queens against my AJ earlier. I raise to 3000. He calls. The flop comes 334 rainbow. If that kid has hit, too bad. The chances are that he hasn’t, and I am still ahead. I consider a 5000 bet, but what happens if he takes an opinion and reraises. I push all in for the rest of my stack, another 14,000. He doesn’t like it, and turns over KJ. I made the right move. Next time around I have 8T and call. The flop comes T94. I move all in again. I show my ten after he folds, and is the one time on the evening I willingly turn over a hand. Not giving him a chance to call a smaller bet and hit something. I have been getting more aggressive and want to maintain a tight rock like image.

1000/2000. A young mouthy kid who has an enormous stack and a spotty pox marked face has just lost with AK to KK after joining our table. I have aces and know he will call if I price him in. I raise to 5000 and Pizza Face calls from the SB as I thought he would. I probably didn’t raise enough. The flop comes 3 rags and I am all in. Pizza face is unhappy and says I am clearly behind or I wouldn’t bet him out of the pot. He turns over JQ and folds. I told him “I wanted you in the pot preflop, you contributed, then I wanted you out of the pot. This winds him up as I knew it would. He will call any reraise I make in all probablilty. He is dumb enough to do this anyway. I just need him not to get lucky on me when the chips do go in, as I know there’s a strong chance I am going in as big favourite.

I have a 50-50 against the player who showed T5 and folded with AJ earlier. I have 99 in early. He has KT and it’s a 50-50. No good having positive thoughts when your only experience with 50-50’s is losing when it really counts and you’re close to a finals table. He wins and I lose half my stack.

A short time later I go in with AQ against AT. Yes. it’s Pizza Face who has raised in early with AT. I reraise all in and another player calls with KT in late “because of the odds.” He turns over KT, which means Pizza face has 2 outs to hit against me. Naturally a 2 outer ten hits, and Pizza face goes straight to the final table with a big grin on his face. KT Numbskull and me are out the door. I got Pizza face right where I wanted him and lose. Wouldn’t have changed anything, because that’s what you strive for. Getting close to the endgame and getting them all in as big favourite is just what you want. Could have done without the other caller, honestly don’t know how he can call there. I knew I would get Pizza Face as big dog. Just had a feeling I did not have any chance of winning that hand. Pros go through this sort of thing all the time. They know they have the skill so can deal with it. As a borderline winner I find it a lot harder to take.

If you play for a long time you go through this. Most I have played with over the years have given up, gone broke, or turned pro. I am still playing but I am not feeling good about the game. I am not enjoying it. There is still a small core of players left  who I have been playing with for a number of years. For some the game and winning comes easy, but it is not an easy game. The fields are now a lot smaller and there are fewer suckers around. Pizza Face should have been an easy meal, a delicious snack, but it doesn’t always turn out that way.